Utiliboobs Posted on September 8, 2014 by Nate.
Might be treading lightly on a grey line here with this post. So, going to kindly request my mother to stop reading right here. No really, Mom, stop reading! Turn back now! Do not pass GO! You’re still here? Fine, but I told you so.
So, like most men, I have always thought of boobs in one way. One way only. Not sure if it’s our American culture of constantly hiding them from the public eye, or if it’s just lingering testosterone from my college days, but boobs, breasts, tatas, bongos, whathaveyou, have always been a symbol of sex in my mind. They are amazing, they are part of the beautiful thing we all know as the female body. They have been nothing but that to me for 30 years. Don’t worry, I’m getting to the parental relation part soon.
Pre-baby, sightings of boobs typically were only when I’m invading shower time or…* looks at Kade * well, you know. However, my thoughts about boobs have completely changed. So much so that I’m kinda scared that my sexual symbolism to a woman’s bosom have vanished into a small little corner of my mind. This symbol of sex, the peaks of the silhouette on truck mud flaps, the circle circle dot dot of the coodie shot are all now considered the #1 Utility Item on Mother Hero’s tool belt. I have seen my wife’s breasts in a 6 month time period more than I have in our entire 9 year relationship. I have been sitting next to bare breasts while also being in the same room as my mother in law, my sister in law, my sister, my mother, an aunt, multiple cousins, and some very close friends. Men, it took me some time to realize what was going on. It was awkward as HELL! Yet, no one even thought twice about it. The second a child is born and is in need of being nursed, all “rules” go flying out the front door. And don’t you even dare think of those ‘Utiliboobs’ as what they once were for you. Maturity level skyrockets in situations like this. I mean, you are sitting in a room with your wife feeding your child, flashing nipples here and there, and your mother in law sitting next to you on a couch. “You better shape up! You better shape up, son.”
The Utiliboob is a feeding machine, now. They are also “No Go” zones as well. They are protected by infrared lights, pressure plate switches, spiked tentacles, and a trap door with Simon Says as the entry controller. Not to mention, they are also protected by the state to be free and nursing. Now, I don’t even double take when I see boobs. I even tested it with other boobs. Watching ‘Orange is the new Black’ or some rated-r movies and yep, my thoughts are changed. They could be elbows for all I am concerned. They are here for a purpose, and that purpose is to feed the children of the world!